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Mike Folka is running for New Westminster City Council. He answered my questions. Thank you for answering! I’m sure voters will find your answers… illuminating.

I shouldn’t have to say that this is all satire. :–)

Supporting and growing local businesses will help keep jobs in New Westminster, grow our tax base, provide opportunity for New Westminster citizens to live and work in New Westminster, and bring more people to our fair city. A wide range of businesses is also good for a city, as it diversifies the tax base and does not make us reliant upon any one industry. As mayor, what will you do to bring more Save On Foods grocery stores to New Westminster?

Mike Folka: If I elected, I promise to give Save on Foods a special tax exemption in the hopes of encouraging more Save On Foods stores to move into the city. Save On Foods are a vital cornerstone to any livable community and any future development will be built around that philosophy. I hope to have a Save On Foods on every block by the time my 4 year term is complete.

The Bailey Bridge was a source of contention between New Westminster and Coquitlam in 2014. As mayor, what will you do to piss off Coquitlam in 2015?

Mike Folka: My hope, if elected, is to update the welcome signs on the New Westminster-Coquitlam border to read “Welcome to New Westminster. Aren’t you glad you’re no longer in stupid, smelly Coquitlam?”. I would also personally call the Mayor of Coquitlam severals times at home between the hours of 3am-4am and immediately hang up no less than 4 times a week.

Fallen leaves from trees are a menace to the walkability of New Westminster, creating slippery sidewalks and clogging our storm drains. What will you do to rid New Westminster of this scourge? Patrick Johnstone, you’re ineligible to answer this question because we all know you love the trees. Okay, here, if you want to answer a question for #3 here goes: If you love trees so much why don’t you marry one?

Mike Folka: For too long the citizens and businesses of our city have had to carry the tax burden while trees have been given a free ride. This must stop. I believe it is time for the trees to finally start pulling their weight and, if elected, I promise to institute a tree tax, to be paid by the trees, within the first 30 days of being on council. This tax will be used to deal with all leaf and leaf-related clean up. Any tree caught not paying the tax will be punched in its leafy face by me.

Without using Google, what are the eleven neighbourhoods of New Westminster? Yeah, eleven. I had no idea there were that many. Don’t forget Connaught Heights, everybody forgets them. At least they have a SkyTrain station! Okay, what are the other ten neighbourhoods of New Westminster?

Mike Folka: Ok. I’m actually doing this without cheating. Pretty sure I’ve got this one so here we go:

• Uptown
• Downtown
• Sapperton
• Kelvin
• Glenbrooke North
• Glenbrooke South
• Queensborough
• Brow of the Hill
• Victory Heights
• Moody Park

Editor’s note: This one is kind of a trick question because there isn’t really any good definition of what a “neighbourhood of New Westminster” is. You can go off of the Residents’ Associations which doesn’t list Uptown or Glenbrook South as neighbourhoods. Then again I think I’d probably answer Uptown as well, but it’s kind of nestled between Brow of the Hill and Queen’s Park (which Mike missed!).

Speaking of the neighbourhoods of New Westminster, which is your favourite and why is it Sapperton?

Mike Folka: That’s easy. If we break down the word Sapperton we get “sap” and “perton”. Sap is used to make maple syrup which is delicious. And “perton” is in no way offensive whatsoever. Therefore, Sapperton is both delicious and inoffensive. What’s not to like about that?

Why have none of you developed your websites with Of Desks, one of New Westminster’s finest web design and development companies? (Oh man more free press for Of Desks!)

Mike Folka: Because we’re running a fiscally responsible campaign over here at Team Folka and therefore can’t afford to hire professionals. The guy we could afford to hire barely knew how to turn on a computer and was willing to be paid in expired coupons. We were very appreciative.