canspice.org

Here’s my thought process as I was reading this week’s list of baby names in the
Hawaii Tribune-Herald:

“Nathaniel. That’s a good name. Navaih. That’s… uh, wait, that’s pretty close
to that stupid Nevaeh name. That’ll go on the post. Next… Nevaeh. OH JESUS WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?”

So not only were Navaih and Nevaeh born sometime in the past month in Hawaii,
THEY’RE TWINS.

First off, Nevaeh is a stupid name. Flipping a word around and naming your kid
is just diputs. Secondly, did this family seriously go nine months without
knowing there were twins in there and had to think up a new name at the last
second? No, that’s not how things work. They had plenty of time to come up with
a new name (maybe Lleh to keep with the theme) but the best they could do was
Navaih? It sounds nearly the same as Nevaeh!

You’re not George Foreman,
you can’t name your kids the same thing, and you really can’t name your kids
different names that sound the same.

I’m not going to go much farther on other bad baby names. For the third week in
a row, some kid was named Legend. There were also Titus-Tayzon, Kelcyn, and
Lyric. They’re not the biggest losers this week though.

That honour falls to Navaih and Nevaeh. Yikes.

Have you seen Old Spice products lately? They’re going completely off the deep
end with names that don’t seem to have any grounding in reality. In fact,
they’re so crazy they’re nearly indistinguishable from indie band names, which
naturally means it’s time for a new game of “Old Spice deodorant or Canadian
indie band”!

Ladyhawk

• Answer: Canadian indie band from Vancouver, they recorded their 2008 album “in an old barn with no working bathroom.”

Sunset Rubdown

• Answer: Canadian art rock music group from Montreal, their 2006 album “Shut Up I’m Dreaming” was Pitchfork’s #15 album of 2006.

Hawkridge

• Answer: “Hawkridge can never be owned; it can only be rented out to any man who desires the attention of a woman.”

Foxcrest

• Answer: “That original druid elixir algorithm has been tweaked and reworked to produce the Foxcrest that we have today, protecting the women’s hearts from being melted into a warm drink and instead subjecting them to uncontrollable romantic desires.”

Dawntreader

• Answer: Dawntreader was an indie rock band from Vancouver, active between 1998 and 2009.

Woodpigeon

• Answer: “I’ve always been in love with the word Woodpigeon for as long as I can remember.” Woodpigeon is an “independent rock collective” from Calgary.

Wolfthorn

• Answer: “The sharpest romantic mystery available in a smelling solution.”

Wolf Parade

• Answer: Wolf Parade’s 2005 album “Apologies to the Queen Mary” was nominated for the 2006 Polaris Music Prize for best full-length Canadian album.

Matterhorn

• Answer: “The actual Matterhorn is comparable to one thing on this planet: Old Spice Matterhorn.”

Wintersleep

• Answer: Wintersleep won the 2008 Juno for New Group of the Year, opened for Paul McCartney and have released five albums.

Pacific Surge

• Answer: “Even if you lit yourself on fire and stood in the blast radius of a nuclear bomb, this stuff would not stop working.”

The people of Hawaii County must be learning, because this week’s list of baby
names is filled with awesome. Let’s get started!

Kicking off the awesome streak is Falen. Now, I’m not quite sure how this is
pronounced, but if it’s pronounced “failin’”, then this kid has an instant
awesome nickname: “Can’t Be” Falen! Awesome!

And Jaxsen. Jaxsen! Such a great name! Jackson is such a common name, a boring
name, an unoriginal name. In 2011 it was the 23rd most popular boy’s name in the
United States. How could you possibly go with boring old Jackson? Throw an X in
there and it’s awesome! Time for some learning: did you know that the Romans
used an X to mean ten? That’s clear proof that Jaxsen is ten times better than
Jackson. That’s science, and you can’t fuck with science.

Speaking of Rome, there’s now a little boy running around named Rome Chancem.
You have got to be kidding me. Getting a name that’s just begging to be
sponsored by Caesars Palace? Can you say “free
Vegas trips”? You can’t get much more awesome than free Vegas trips.

One little boy got the completely awesome name of Brayden Stryker. FUCK YEAH MY
MIDDLE NAME IS STRYKER SUCK IT.

I know I poo-pooed Legend last week,
but like an awesome fungus,
this one is growing on me. Another family in Hawaii named their kid Legend last
week. If one was bad, two must be badder, and by badder I mean awesome.

I might just have to call it quits on the Bad Baby Names posts because clearly
the baby names aren’t bad any more, they’re awesome.

I keep mason bees.

Today was another nice spring day, and the forecast was for continuing warm
temperatures through the week (highs between 15 and 17), so it’s the perfect
time to put out mason bee cocoons.

The cocoons on the left are from last season. My mason bees laid about a dozen
eggs, which hatched into pupae, which formed cocoons. The cocoons in the box on
the right are from West Coast Seeds
— yes, you can buy bees at a gardening store!

The bees will hatch over the next few days, and hopefully one or two will come
back to lay eggs in the nesting tubes in the little house. More about the bee
house next time!

I figured out If This Then That and set it up to email me
the Vital Statistics page from the Hawaiian Tribune-Herald
every time it gets published to the web. This means that I get a fresh new list
of baby names every week, and you get a fresh new Bad Baby Names post every
week! We’re all winners! Except for the babies with bad names, of course.

To tell you the truth, I’m a little underwhelmed with the first week back. There
weren’t any truly horrific names. Nary a y out of place to be found.

Raiden is a bad name though. Good if you’re into WWII Japanese fighter aircraft,
but given Hawaii’s history with Japanese aircraft…

What? Too soon?

Giving a boy the name ‘Legend’ is a bit much. Awfully big shoes to fill there
for little Legend.

The worst baby name of the week is Jaxxon-Taylor. It’s not cringe-inducing like
most winners here. It’s all incredibly anti-climactic. Thanks a lot, Hawaii
County parents. Sheesh.