Obviously this is all satire, except for The Truth About The Machine!
Question: Supporting and growing local businesses will help keep jobs in New Westminster, grow our tax base, provide opportunity for New Westminster citizens to live and work in New Westminster, and bring more people to our fair city. A wide range of businesses is also good for a city, as it diversifies the tax base and does not make us reliant upon any one industry. As mayor, what will you do to bring more Save On Foods grocery stores to New Westminster?
Jonathan X. Cote: I believe it is critical that the City of New Westminster alert the competition bureau immediately about the growing monopolies with our grocery stores so that they use their powers to further reduce retail competition in our community.
Question: The Bailey Bridge was a source of contention between New Westminster and Coquitlam in 2014. As mayor, what will you do to piss off Coquitlam in 2015?
Jonathan X. Cote: I have long believed that New Westminster would benefit from an expanded land base. The twinning of the Bailey Bridge should help facilitate the Royal City’s long desire to have an IKEA.
Question: Fallen leaves from trees are a menace to the walkability of New Westminster, creating slippery sidewalks and clogging our storm drains. What will you do to rid New Westminster of this scourge? Patrick Johnstone, you’re ineligible to answer this question because we all know you love the trees. Okay, here, if you want to answer a question for #3 here goes: If you love trees so much why don’t you marry one?
Jonathan X. Cote: I want to represent tree huggers all across our fine city and advocate that we modernize our marriage laws in this country.
Question: Without using Google, what are the eleven neighbourhoods of New Westminster? Yeah, eleven. I had no idea there were that many. Don’t forget Connaught Heights, everybody forgets them. At least they have a SkyTrain station! Okay, what are the other ten neighbourhoods of New Westminster?
Jonathan X. Cote: Uptown, Maillardville, Downtown, Sapperton, Moody Park, Queensbourough, Burquitlam, Brow of the Hill, Fraser Mills, Victory Heights, Queens Park, Glenbrooke, Connaught Heights, West End, Quayside.
Question: Speaking of the neighbourhoods of New Westminster, which is your favourite and why is it Sapperton?
Jonathan X. Cote: I love Sapperton because of its central location right in the middle of New Westminster (pending expansion plans).
Question: Why have none of you developed your websites with Of Desks, one of New Westminster’s finest web design and development companies?
Jonathan X. Cote: My wife is awesome and donated her time and effort building the Cote Campaign website. Of Desks would have been my second choice.
Question: It’s been shown that using a middle initial makes you look smarter. As the only candidate to use his middle initial in this campaign, why do you need this advantage? What are you hiding?
Jonathan X. Cote: I was hoping this question would not come up, but in an effort to be transparent:
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Question: Much ink has been spilled about The Machine that runs your campaign. What fuels The Machine — gas, solar power, or the tears of your vanquished opponents?
Jonathan X. Cote: We were very fortunate to have a wonderful summer this year, as the “The Machine” is powered by sunshine and Popsicle sticks.