Category: Satire

New Westminster Police Department steps up traffic enforcement

During his 2014 campaign, New Westminster Mayor Jonathan X. Cote promised to “target regular and consistent traffic enforcement to discourage drivers from cutting through local neighbourhoods.” Three days into his term, the effects of this promise were displayed as members of the New Westminster Police Department descended upon the Queens Park neighbourhood to apprehend a driver suspected of ‘rat-running’.

The above picture is courtesy Patrick O’Connor on Twitter, who also reported that a police helicopter was calling out with a bullhorn, warning the public to watch for a suspect on foot.

The truck was abandoned at the intersection of 2nd Street and 4th Avenue, along a common route taken by drivers trying to get onto the busy Pattullo Bridge, instead of sticking to the main arterial routes. The Queens Park neighbourhood is popular for these ‘rat-runners’, with some traffic calming measures already in place. 2nd Street has no speed humps or other measures, making it an ideal street for rat-running. Unluckily for the driver of this truck, this also makes it an ideal location for NWPD enforcement.

This police action is surely the first step towards stopping commuters from using New Westminster neighbourhoods as thoroughfares. Future actions will include deployment of spike strips and increased use of the PIT maneuver.

Found! The missing edits from Jonathan Cote’s inaugural address

While rooting through the recycling bins at New Westminster’s City Hall, I found what looked to be a speech printed out on the City’s letterhead. There are a lot of things crossed out with red pen, but it’s pretty obvious that this is an early draft of incoming mayor Jonathan Cote’s inaugural address. I’m going to share with you some of the things that didn’t survive the editing process.

This part looks like it was his opening:

Thank you all for being here today. Thank you to Wayne Wright, for building a city that we all love. Thank you for doing such a wonderful job that I have the freedom now to coast on your successes for the next four years.

This part was scribbled in the margin:

Note to self: do not, repeat DO NOT do double finger guns at the New Westminster Police and Fire Honour Guards. They are SERIOUS BUSINESS.

This part was crossed out with “FUCK THOSE COQUITLAM PEOPLE” all over it:

As I promised during the campaign, my first order of business will be to increase the size of the Ancient and Honourable Anvil Battery, increase the size of The Royal Westminster Regiment, institute the draft for all able-bodied citizens between the ages of 18 and 40, and expand our land base into Coquitlam, completing the Royal City’s long desire to have an IKEA.

Mr. Cote shows off his geek side in a second “first order of business”:

As mayor, my first order of business will be to declare SimCity as the Official Video Game of New Westminster, and to give the keys of the city to Will Wright.

I think he was going for the English Nerd vote here:

I envision a city where all citizens can properly pronounce “pecuniary”.

And more for the English vote. Scribbled in the margin is “oh man definitely use this for the next council meeting”:

Peace, you ungracious clamours! peace, rude sounds! Fools on both sides!

An ending inspired by Key & Peele?

I’m the leader of New Westminster. *drops mic*