Found! The missing edits from Jonathan Cote’s inaugural address

While rooting through the recycling bins at New Westminster’s City Hall, I found what looked to be a speech printed out on the City’s letterhead. There are a lot of things crossed out with red pen, but it’s pretty obvious that this is an early draft of incoming mayor Jonathan Cote’s inaugural address. I’m going to share with you some of the things that didn’t survive the editing process.

This part looks like it was his opening:

Thank you all for being here today. Thank you to Wayne Wright, for building a city that we all love. Thank you for doing such a wonderful job that I have the freedom now to coast on your successes for the next four years.

This part was scribbled in the margin:

Note to self: do not, repeat DO NOT do double finger guns at the New Westminster Police and Fire Honour Guards. They are SERIOUS BUSINESS.

This part was crossed out with “FUCK THOSE COQUITLAM PEOPLE” all over it:

As I promised during the campaign, my first order of business will be to increase the size of the Ancient and Honourable Anvil Battery, increase the size of The Royal Westminster Regiment, institute the draft for all able-bodied citizens between the ages of 18 and 40, and expand our land base into Coquitlam, completing the Royal City’s long desire to have an IKEA.

Mr. Cote shows off his geek side in a second “first order of business”:

As mayor, my first order of business will be to declare SimCity as the Official Video Game of New Westminster, and to give the keys of the city to Will Wright.

I think he was going for the English Nerd vote here:

I envision a city where all citizens can properly pronounce “pecuniary”.

And more for the English vote. Scribbled in the margin is “oh man definitely use this for the next council meeting”:

Peace, you ungracious clamours! peace, rude sounds! Fools on both sides!

An ending inspired by Key & Peele?

I’m the leader of New Westminster. *drops mic*

Questions for New Westminster mayoral candidates

New Westminster is going to have an election on November 15, 2014, for mayor, city councillor, and school board trustee positions. There are four men running for mayor: current mayor Wayne Wright, current city councillor Jonathan X. Cote, local businessman James Crosty, and electrical engineer Vladimir Krasnogor. I have some questions for them. In fact, any of the people running for councillor can answer these too.

All Candidates

  1. Supporting and growing local businesses will help keep jobs in New Westminster, grow our tax base, provide opportunity for New Westminster citizens to live and work in New Westminster, and bring more people to our fair city. A wide range of businesses is also good for a city, as it diversifies the tax base and does not make us reliant upon any one industry. As mayor, what will you do to bring more Save On Foods grocery stores to New Westminster?
  2. The Bailey Bridge was a source of contention between New Westminster and Coquitlam in 2014. As mayor, what will you do to piss off Coquitlam in 2015?
  3. Fallen leaves from trees are a menace to the walkability of New Westminster, creating slippery sidewalks and clogging our storm drains. What will you do to rid New Westminster of this scourge? Patrick Johnstone, you’re ineligible to answer this question because we all know you love the trees. Okay, here, if you want to answer a question for #3 here goes: If you love trees so much why don’t you marry one?
  4. Without using Google, what are the eleven neighbourhoods of New Westminster? Yeah, eleven. I had no idea there were that many. Don’t forget Connaught Heights, everybody forgets them. At least they have a SkyTrain station! Okay, what are the other ten neighbourhoods of New Westminster?
  5. Speaking of the neighbourhoods of New Westminster, which is your favourite and why is it Sapperton?
  6. Why have none of you developed your websites with Of Desks, one of New Westminster’s finest web design and development companies? (Psst, Wes, you can get me a growler from S&O next time I see you)

Wayne Wright

  1. Your website lists your accomplishments without saying what you will do in the coming four years. Should we take this to mean that you’re going to bulldoze everything you’ve done and do it again?

Jonathan X. Cote

  1. It’s been shown that using a middle initial makes you look smarter. As the only candidate to use his middle initial in this campaign, why do you need this advantage? What are you hiding?
  2. Much ink has been spilled about The Machine that runs your campaign. What fuels The Machine — gas, solar power, or the tears of your vanquished opponents?

James Crosty

  1. As mayor, will you learn how to properly reference someone on Twitter by using the @ symbol in front of their name?

Vladimir Krasnogor

  1. What do you have against machines? Are stocking frames safe in New Westminster under your mayoralty?

Answers can be sent to me at or, if you’re James Crosty, you’ll probably tweet them to me anyways at @CanSpice. I fully expect none of you will respond, but be warned that I’ll put your responses up here when I get them!

Update: A number of candidates have answered these questions: